June 4, 2020
In Memoriam:
George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and so many more.
These have been the saddest days. Such heartbreak and grief. I mourn for our country, and for the senseless violence that’s taken the lives of our black brothers and sisters. I mourn for all people of color who have suffered from oppression, lynching, slavery, segregation, broken promises, lies, and hatred in a world where white supremacy rules. As white folks, we have a responsibility to mend this madness because we’re the ones who created it. We’re the ones who profit from it. And we’re the ones who consciously or unconsciously behave as if white bodies are more valuable than others. It’s wrong in every way.
I can’t possibly fathom what it must feel like to live in a sea of whiteness, having to watch my back at every turn. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be profiled for my skin color, to be denied opportunities, to be regularly humiliated and insulted, to worry about being murdered when I go on a run, or suffocated to death for forging a check. I can’t begin to comprehend the frustration, exhaustion, and rage that people of color must experience from the ceaseless struggle to be heard, validated, respected, and seen. We white folks have the luxury of engaging in the fight if and when we want to, but people of color do not. They have to live with the reality of racism every single day. It’s a deep generational trauma.
Since George Floyd’s death, I’ve been searching for words, but nothing has felt right. All I can genuinely say at this time is: “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” No, “sorry” isn’t an answer to the problems we’re facing and it won’t get us out of this situation. And no, “sorry” isn’t some Pollyanna bypass or a substitute for proper reparations or action. But an apology is necessary. The words can never convey how anguished so many of us feel in the face of these injustices—and our participation in them—but without acknowledging the harm done, how can true healing ever happen?
The mamos (indigenous spiritual leaders) from Colombia whom I’ve had the privilege of learning from for the past few years often say that we need to apologize to Mother Earth. The apology itself isn’t enough—we actually need to make payments for all we’ve taken from her—but we also need to acknowledge her pain. When someone hurts us, it’s impossible to heal the wound without making amends and naming what happened. We have to say, “I realize what I did. It was wrong, and I know it hurt you. I’m sorry.” The apology is a kind of accountability and, without it, we can’t really move forward.
I’ve heard people on social media say, “I don’t need to apologize for being white” - but that completely misses the point. It’s not about cowering in a corner and feeling bad. That doesn’t help anyone and it actually takes the focus off of the issues. It’s about understanding that people of color have suffered as a result of a system that’s rooted in white supremacy. We have to feel the pain of that in our hearts and bones. We have to recognize that this nation was founded on a patriarchal model of imperialism, genocide, and slavery. And we have to admit that these historical wounds are still alive and raw. Try as we might to pretend otherwise, it remains true: the land of the free has never been a land of equality and justice for all.
So today, I just want to express how sorry I am for all of the pain that people of color have endured. I am so sorry for my own ignorance that’s contributed to the problem. I’m sorry for the times I stayed silent when I should have spoken up, and for the times I disrespected you or acted out of unconscious bias. I’m sorry for the times that I turned away for my own comfort, or took my privilege for granted. I’m sorry for centering myself when it was never about me, and for asking you to put more labor into explaining your plight. I’m sorry for the ways I’ve perpetuated injustice through my own colonial mind, and for the times that my fragility made it impossible to hear what you were trying to say. I want to do better.
I have decided to offer my song “Thank You” as a free download from here onwards. Please feel free to share it or send it to anyone who might need it. It’s a song for forgiveness and reparations of all kinds. It’s a prayer for our aching world.
~ Carrie